Dear friends who have children –
There are a few misconceptions that are out there that I really feel need to be dispelled. After a few years of more than pointed inquiry about the subject, I want to clear a few things up.
Here are a list of common assumptions made as to why we don’t have children.
- We hate children.
- We don’t want to give up our easy-come, easy-go lifestyle.
- We are selfish.
- We are avoiding responsibility.
- We don’t value family.
As it turns out, none of those are true for my husband and I; I’m also guessing that this is the case for many other DINK (Double Income, No Kids) couples.
Here is how we feel about your children:
- Your kids are pretty cool.
- We enjoy getting to see them grow & do new things.
- We like being faux-aunts & -uncles to them.
Here are some things we would like our friends who have children to know:
- We still want to be your friends. If hanging out means hanging out with your children most of the time, we’re okay with that. Please don’t avoid interacting with us because you’re convinced we won’t want to hang out with you and your children. Also, when you need time away from the children, we’re a good call, too. We know where the good hang outs are and perhaps the other spouse can help with the babysitting for the evening.
- We may not have children, but we do have other relate-able aspects in our mutual lives. While we aren’t parents, this doesn’t mean we no longer have anything in common. We still have jobs, extended families, interests – and you should, too – and we would still like to talk to one another about those things.
- Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean we don’t want to hear about yours. We enjoy hearing about the new things they are doing/experiencing.
- Please don’t trivialize aspects of our lives when we do try to talk to you about them. When my friends who are parents respond to something I’m going through with a ‘my life is harder than yours because I have a screaming two year-old’ anecdote, it is hard to maintain a friendship. Any relationship is hard to maintain when one person is constantly trying to one-up the other. Having a screaming two-year old is hard – don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t make that what us DINKs are going through easy/easier. Once your life changes so dramatically, it is easy to see how things get rosier on the ‘other side’, the childless side – there is still stress on this side, too.
- Please don’t assume we made this choice lightly and please don’t think you have all the facts behind that decision.
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own decisions. Let’s be supportive when we can & do our best to keep it to ourselves when we can’t.
Donita Westman 