I was back in Principal Hugs-A-Lot’s office.
I was called to the office about my continual problems with one student’s behavior in class. (Mind you, he was an idiot in everyone’s class, he was just an uncontrolled idiot in mine.) So naturally, rather than calling this student to the office to tell him to knock it off (which would have probably really worked, as this idiot was also a football player and Principal Hugs-A-Lot was a ‘volunteer coach’ or something), Principal Hugs-A-Lot called me to the office.
As we talked, it became apparent that Principal Hugs-A-Lot had ascertained, without ever observing any of my interactions with this student or his class, that the problem was me, not this student with zero impulse control. I would have thought he had Tourette’s, if I hadn’t seen him with other teachers and coaches and knew he could turn it off, if he was in enough fear. I was trying not to control my class by fear, so obviously, his impulse control settings were ON and OFF.
Out of nowhere, Principal Hugs-A-Lot smears a really uncomfortable fake mentor-ly smile on his face, folds his hands across his desk and asks me if there’s anyone I like to spend time with after school.
D: Excuse me?
H-A-L: Is there anyone special you like to spend time with outside of school?
D: We’re talking about [idiotic student] right now, not me.
H-A-L: No, but really? Is there anyone you spend time with or anything you do to relieve stress? Do you go to the gym? Do you run?
(For those of you who may only know me on the internet, the answer is very obviously, NO, I don’t run. Anyone IRL could guess that!)
D: Um…. no. What does any of that have to do with [idiotic student] and his yelling inappropriate things in 4th block yesterday?
H-A-L: It’s just really important to keep balance in your life. Make sure that you’re relaxed and not dwelling on stress from the school day when you leave at night. I really urge you to find something or someone that you can spend time with after school.
D: And about [idiotic student]?
H-A-L: I’m sure that if you just focus on relaxing and find something you like to do or someone you like to spend time with, you’ll figure it out. Maybe just take a night off from working in your classroom after school, maybe go out for the evening with someone and when you come back, you’ll have some better perspective on how to handle [idiotic student].
My mom (also a teacher) called me that night to see how things were going at school.
D: Well, I’m pretty sure that today after school, my principal implied that if I got laid, I would have better classroom management.
Mom: (gasps) No he did not!
D: How would you interpret this conversation? (recaps above dialog)
Mom: Are you kidding me?
D: Why would I make this up? He’s old enough to by my dad… It was so weird.
Mom: I can’t believe it! As if you would mind this kid being completely disruptive LESS if you had a significant other?
D: Apparently. Is that how you made it through your first year of teaching? Blood, sweat, tears and getting laid every time school got you down?
Mom: (astonished silence)
D: Or if I worked out more. At some point, he said that maybe if I found a hobby I enjoyed, I might meet people that also liked the same hobby I did. So apparently, I need to join a gym, to work out & relieve stress, and to meet a man, who can also help me ‘relieve stress’.
Mom: Oh my word. You’ve got to be kidding. Was he serious?
D: Would the conversation have lasted that long if this was a joke?
Mom: Um, it’s borderline sexual harassment.
D: Yeah, but it came from a good place. Remember, he’s a husband & a father and therefore practically a saint. Or something.
Mom: Let’s go with ‘or something’.
If I’m lying, I’m dying.
I should have written a book: Get Some: a new approach to classroom management for high school teachers. That’s a NYT Best Seller right there. I missed the boat to be a millionaire once again, but I think Mary Kay Letourneau already beat me to it.
Donita Westman 