I still bullet journal, nearly every day. I’m not strict about it, I don’t spend hours doing fancy layouts (because I’m just not artistic like that), I use it like the tool it is; it is there when I need it. At the end of each month, I’ve found it really helpful to reflect on the month past and take time to revisit things I accomplished and challenges I endured. Sometimes, this is a revelation of why I’m so tired. Others, it’s a great way to refocus on how much I did accomplish in a world where few things seem tangible, or finished-finished, or finite, a world where there’s always /something/.
As a geriatric millenial (or so the media loves to call me), I’ve seen some things in my day. There have been wars, conflicts, way more ‘trials of the century’ than the verbiage would suggest, numerous major social, economic, and political upheavals, and countless disruptions to the job and housing markets. My lifetime has seen the revocation of the FCC’s Fairness Doctrine, and the result of that decision play out on our national stages in a 24-hour media cycle that churns out stories that are anywhere on the sliding scale from absolute lies to ‘just the facts, ma’am’. We have seen the influence of news networks that don’t make any attempt at actual journalism turn truth into a relative concept and twist people’s minds and opinions in grotesque ways, bringing out the worst in their audiences. My generation has seen America’s first POC of color and the horrifying evidence that white supremacy is alive and well; the same white supremacy most of our social studies curriculums refer to in past tense. We’ve also seen the first woman to accept a nomination for president, and four years later, the first female AND first POC vice president in our country sworn into office. In the 5 years since that historic nomination, we’ve also seen proof of how many people across the political spectrum have a staggering distrust (at best) or outright hatred (at worst) for women. We’ve seen long-overdue gains in equal rights, and we have seen just how tenuous those rights can be when hatred, bigotry, and misogyny are empowered, emboldened, and given a platform. Oh, and who could forget a once-in-a-century pandemic that we have no hope of curbing, because of the influence of the above?
Elder millennials have, in the vernacular, seen some sh*t.
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t changed in these last 10 years. I’m still learning and evolving, working to become more the person I want to be. As my end of month reflection fell on the same day as my 40th birthday, I had a lot bouncing around inside my head.
In no particular order, I humbly present some things I’ve learned along the way.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Maya Angelou
Ms. Angelou was absolutely right.
Be wary of those who seek your help until you can determine what they are actually seeking.
While they may seem desperate for help, what they are seeking and what you can/are willing to provide may be vastly different. Are they seeking an actionable solution to a problematic situation or are they seeking others’ energy/time/skills to maintain a unsustainable situation they are benefitting from? One they are unwilling to resolve? One they are committed to perpetuating?
Own your stuff.
But only YOUR stuff. Your choices, your consequences, your actions, your happiness. Don’t assume responsibility for or ownership of others’ stuff.
It doesn’t work, even if you try.
Radical acceptance can be the kindest gift you can give yourself.
And others.
Learn to listen to your intuition.
The more you listen, the clearer the messages you receive will become.
You cannot affect change within a toxic system when there are folks inside committed to maintaining it. Walk away.
There will always be people who are committed to upholding toxic systems, usually because the system meets their needs in some way. This can take the form of actively toxic people; more common, in my experience, are the chorus of people saying dismissive things like, ‘well, I’ve never experienced that’. Enablers and gaslighters are also committed to upholding the toxic system.
If those folks are the most vocal, the most entrenched, or the majority, walk away. Walk away before you expend your energy, resources, and time, only to realize you were never going to be able to improve a situation others’ deem isn’t broken, regardless of how much smoke is coming from under the hood.
This thought is NOT about politics. Use your vote as your voice there. The political system in the US has a structure in place to allow for change (when not being suppressed, gerrymandered, or outright stacking the deck against the will of the majority). This advice is for systems that do not hold space for input from the participants in the system.
Any time you feel the urge to make yourself smaller, politely excuse yourself from the room.
If you feel like your acceptance in any room is contingent upon your taking up less space, being less intelligent, less passionate, less confident, less bright than the brilliant light that you are, that is not your room. There are other spaces out there that will be safer for you, but you won’t find them by staying put.
I’ve never regretted my decision to give someone grace.
Most times, they really needed it. The rest of the times? I have learned how to better spot bad faith operators in the future.
Note, I didn’t say ‘endless’ grace. As soon as you see they are operating in bad faith, you can (and should) act accordingly.
Don’t deny yourself gifts you freely give others.
You are also worthy of love, grace, compassion, time, and understanding.
Don’t forget your oxygen mask.
Your basic needs must be non-negotiably top priority. Full stop. Any time you feel that you have to justify your basic needs, *ding* that’s the oxygen mask sign coming on. Once your mask is firmly in place, then you can create a new protocol for dealing with that person or place.
Here’s to another decade, another trip around the sun, and more chances to learn. I hope you’ll join me.
Donita Westman 